Episode 1: A Criminologist in Dublin

A renowned criminologist gives a talk. A body is found in the Phoenix Park. A detective is called in. A writer and a journalist are stumbling unawares into something much larger than they ever could have imagined.

The Greatest Matter was written & directed by Conor Reid

It was Recorded at The Podcast Studios, Dublin and produced by Hilary Barry

Editing, Sound Design, and Original Music by Conor Reid

The show is a HeadStuff Podcast. For more on the network, all the great shows, and details on how you can support the podcast, go to HeadStuffPodcasts.com

CAST

SCRIPT: A CRIMINOLOGIST IN DUBLIN

PRELUDE

FRANCOIS:          Kate? Kate, can you still hear us?

KATE:                    Shh, I need to concentrate. Just, just let it happen…

ALBERT:                Francois, we can’t rush this, it’s not like the last one.

FRANCOIS:          Sorry, I know, I know.

  [FX: A hum, which grows in intensity and then starts to distort]

EMMA:                 Can you feel it?! It’s happening!

KATE:                    Shh

[FX: Hum changes pitch, turns into a blend of multiple indistinct whispering voices, layered over each other]

FRANCOIS:          Albert,you’re sure about this?

ALBERT:                Yes, it will be fine (Pause, reconsidering). Just make sure the door is firmly locked.

FRANCOIS:          Yes, it’s locked, I checked it.

                                [FX: Hum and voices change in intensity, before cutting out abruptly]

EMMA:                 (gasping)Look!

FRANCOIS:          Oh my god, he’s so much larger than I would have thought, I…

ALBERT:                Fascinating. Look at the cranial structure. Surely this is Haeckel’s pithecanthropus?

EMMA:                 Is this what we… Who is he…?

APEMAN:            (Grunting noise)

FRANCOIS:          Now, let’s all stay nice and calm.

APEMAN:            (Angry grunting, snarling)

EMMA:                 (Screams in fright but stops herself)

FRANCOIS:          (getting scared)Albert, he’s a lot more alert than the orangutan.  Look, he’s trying establish where he is, who we are…

ALBERT:                Yes, I would expect so, he’s far higher up the evolutionary chain remember? Let’s…just…. see what he does.

[FX: Heavy, padded footsteps around the room, sniffing]

FRANCOIS:          Look, Kate is out of the trance, she’s back with us! He doesn’t seem to be registering that she is there, though. Look, he’s totally fixated on us.

ALBERT:                (getting more nervous) Yes, let’s try to…stay…still. Don’t approach him, let him take everything in and then we can…

[FX: More heavy footsteps, sniffing. Then a loud snarl]

EMMA:                 Jesus!(Screams)

APEMAN:            (Reacts to scream with a scream/growl of his own)

[FX: Movement as apeman runs at Emma, trips over something, smashes it and gets angry, grunts, snarls]

ALBERT:                Stop! Francois, he’s heading for Emma!

FRANCOIS:          Hey, stop! Ahh (shouts as apeman attacks him)

[FX: Sound of Francois falling and door being smashed open]

FRANCOIS:          Ugh (in pain)… The door! Albert, he’s escaping, I can’t…oh, god

[FX: More smashing of door, then grunt, and then silence]

EMMA:                 Francois! Are you alright?? Oh my god you’re bleeding!

FRANCOIS           Yes, I’m, I’m, yes he really took a swipe at me. I’m not hurt badly.

EMMA:                 Are you sure?Thank God!                           

FRANCOIS:          Albert, did he get out? Where’s the…whatever he was?

ALBERT:                I’m afraid he went straight out the front door. He’s, he’s….gone.

FRANCOIS:          Gone!?

ALBERT:                He’ll dematerialize, though. He has to….Doesn’t he?

FRANCOIS:          This is too much, Albert.

Kate, are you still connected to him? What’s going on!?

KATE:                    No, I don’t think… I don’t know! (pause) What have I done?!       

FRANCOIS:          What have we done, Kate. This is on all of us.

SCENE 1

[FX: Bed throughout of zoo sounds, animal calls, etc.]

ÁINE:                     (calling)Is that everything, Seán?

SEÁN:                    Yeah(pulling a heavy gate)That’s it, all closed up. (blowing hands) God, it’s a cold one.

                                [FX: Heavy gate closing. Clang of padlock on metal]

ÁINE:                     And you did the padlock and the bolt on the gate there, like Mr Stevens asked?

SEÁN:                    Yeah sure I jus…

ÁINE:                     (interrupting) ...and the cash box from the office, cos didn’t MrStevens…

SEÁN:                    (slightly annoyed) Áine, it’s done. Mr Stevens trusted me to do the job, that’s why he gave me the promotion. That’s it, locked up. (slightly patronizingly) No elephants strolling around Phoenix Park tonight.

ÁINE:                     Alright, alright, I’m only asking cos I know the new job’s important to you.

SEÁN:                    No, I know. Sorry, I know you mean well. (pause) Now, it’s getting dark, let me walk you to the omnibus.

ÁINE:                     Thanks, Seán, you’re very good.

                                [FX: Footsteps, crunching on ice/snow. Slightly fading zoo sounds]

                                It’s lovely in the park with the snow, isn’t it? It’s so quiet.

SEÁN:                    Yeah, that was some snowfall yesterday wasn’t it? And out of nowhere.I’d say it’ll be a bit warmer tomorrow though. Ugh, the zoo is miserable in that sort of cold.

ÁINE:                     Surethe penguins love it!

SEÁN:                    Well, that’s true.(pause). So, any plans for tomorrow? You’re always one for filling up your Sundays with all sorts of activities. I don’t know where you get the energy.

ÁINE:                     Oh, did I not tell you? Simon’s bringing me to see the cinematograph, over in the Star. Have you ever been?

SEÁN:                    Ah, no, that wouldn’t really be my thing now. Prefer a pint in the pub than looking at moving pictures.

ÁINE:                     Ah Seán, you’re useless! Simon went before and he said it’s like you’re really there! It’s similar to the kinetoscope but everyone can watch together. Simon saw a train pulling into a station and it wasn’t just the people moving, it was everything: the smoke, and the steam from the train, the wind blowing. It sounds wonderful!

SEÁN:                    Sure I can see a train down at Kingsbridge Station and not pay a shilling for the pleasure.

ÁINE:                     (mock annoyed)Ah Seán! Anyway, I’m excited, we’ve got great seats and we’re going to… (trailing off, distracted) going to…

SEÁN:                    Going to?

ÁINE:                     Sorry, I’m just… do you see that?              

SEÁN:                    What?

ÁINE:                     There, in the bushes up ahead. 

SEÁN:                    Where? Oh, yeah, is it a boot or…?

ÁINE:                     But it’s…no, look it’s a leg! Someone’s passed out in the bushes there! (hurrying) Come on!

SEÁN:                    Woah, wait now Áine, let me have a look. Could be anyone in there.

ÁINE:                     But they might need our help! Come on! (running)

SEÁN:                    (running) Alright, wait!  

[FX: running footsteps]

Sir? Excuse me, sir? Are you alright? (pause) Can you hear me?

(To Áine) Hang on, Áine, let me (heaving the body) just…

[FX: Bushes rustling. Seán grunting, as he tries to move the man]

ÁINE:                     Can you hear u…. (screams) Oh Jesus!

SEÁN:                    (At same time, also shocked) Mother of God! What the hell happened…

ÁINE:                     There’s blood everywhere. Is he…?

SEÁN:                    Ah no, Áine, look away, this isn’t something for a woman to see.

ÁINE:                     (refusing)No!Is he….is he dead, Seán?

SEÁN:                    Yes, he’s dead! It looks like he’s been, I don’t know, stabbed or attacked or, look, I don’t know! (getting panicked)

We need to call the police. Look at these clothes, or what’s left of them. He’s some gentleman or something.

ÁINE:                     Let’s get Mr Stevens.

SEÁN:                    What?

ÁINE:                     Mr Stevens. There’s a dead man a hundred yards from the entrance to his zoo. Tomorrow’s Sunday, the place will be packed. Mr Stevens would want to know first.

SEÁN:                    (sighing but in agreement). Yes, I suppose you’re right. Oh god andthere’s all those society fellows visiting tomorrow too.

Alright, you run to the lodge and get him, I’ll stay here with this poor soul, God have mercy on him.

[FX: Áine’s footsteps retreating, zoo sounds fade out]

(Calling after her)And be careful!

SCENE 2

[FX: Hotel lobby hubbub, chatting, soft piano music]

RYAN:                                   The renowned Professor Cesare Lombroso, what an absolute pleasure to meet you at last.

LOMBROSO:                      You’re too kind,Doctor Ryan, the pleasure is all mine. Thank you for the invitation. It’s my first time in this beautiful city.

RYAN:                                   Well, I don’t know if Dublin can quite compete with the wonders of Italy, but I’ve called it my home for many years now and it’s a fine place to live. I do hope you’ll enjoy your stay – this is a lovely hotel.

Waiter, a glass of red wine for the professor.

RYAN:                                   You had a pleasant trip from Turin? I hope the snow didn’t affect your travels?

LOMBROSO:                       No, it was fine in the end. And very atmospheric arriving in the city covered in snow. I believe it’s not too common here?

RYAN:                                   No, not at all. And you’re right, it does give the city a certain atmosphere alright. Did you come via Paris?

LOMBROSO:                       Yes, Paris and then London. I met several of our esteemed colleagues at the Sorbonne. Professeur Dupont sends his warmest regards.

RYAN:                                   Ah, he’s a fine researcher, I was fascinated by his article on degeneracy in The Lancet recently. And, of course, I’ve been following your extensive work on criminal man. L’Uomo Delinquente – apologies for the pronunciation, I’m afraid my Italian is not up to much. We must talk more about translations – I’ve got contacts in New York who I’m sure would be interested.

LOMBROSO:                       Well, I would be much obliged, thank you. It’s wonderful to see so many doctors and scientists taking such an interest in the wider field of criminology.

RYAN:                                   And why wouldn’t we? We are all on the front lines of treating the insane, the weak-minded, the criminal. Your work is pioneering.

Now, let me introduce you to a few of my colleagues over here. We have a little time before we need to get you over to the Rotunda for your speech. A wonderful venue – do you know it?

LOMBROSO:                       I’ll confess I don’t, but Dr Purefoy mentioned in his letter that he’d seen Charles Dickens’ farewell readings there as a young boy, and it had left quite the impression.

RYAN:                                   Ohyes, of course, that would have been ‘68…’69 maybe?  One of manygreat speakers at the Rotunda over the decades.

Oh and there’s Dr Purefoy over there, you’ll have to meet him in person.

LOMBROSO:                       Excellent, I would be delighted to. We’ve been in correspondence regarding anthropometric measurements and he was most generous with his time.

RYAN:                                   Of course. After you….

[FX Fade out]

SCENE 3

[FX: street hustle & bustle: horses, hawkers, ppl chatting as they walk by, tram bell]

FRANCES:                            Come on, Margaret, we’re going to be late!

MARGARET:                       Oh, we’re fine, the talk doesn’t start for another half an hour.

FRANCES:                            But at your pace it’ll take that long!

MARGARET:                       Here, I’m not the one who chose to stop to buy roasted nuts from Jim at his stall.

FRANCES:                            I was hungry and, besides, you know I can’t resist Jim’s nuts…

MARGARET:                       (starting to laugh at the innuendo)

FRANCES:                            Don’t! Everything at his stall is delicious and… why have you stopped walking! Come on!

MARGARET:                       I’m coming, I’m coming! I’m trying not to kill myself slipping on all this ice! Anyway, at worst we’ll miss some long, rambling introduction to this Lombroso fellow.

FRANCES:                            “This Lombroso Fellow” is a famous psychiatrist and professor of the criminal mind. I told you this was important to me – the talk sounds fascinating, and it’s great research for my novel.

MARGARET:                       Yes,but from what you’ve told me about it, you don’t even agree with the man.

FRANCES:                            Well, no, not everything, but I’ve only read a small bit of his work. The man is a renowned thinker across Europe, he must be doing something right. And besides, just because I don’t agree with him, it doesn’t mean I won’t get some good ideas for my novel, or he won’t be a good speaker.

[FX: Hawker: “Eels! Jellied eels!”]

MARGARET:                       Fine, fi… Oh look, Frances, they’re selling jellied eels over there. Maybe I’ll just get..

FRANCES:                            (Incredulous)Are you serious!? Margaret, we don’t have time! Come. On (pulling her by the arm)

MARGARET:                       Ow! Fran! (laughing) Let go, I’m joking!

SCENE 4

                                                [FX: zoo sounds, etc. Footsteps approaching]

SEÁN:                                    (shouting, slightly distant)Over here! Áine!

ÁINE:                                     He’s just over here, Mr Stevens.

STEVENS:                             (panting) What is going on, Seán?

SEÁN:                                    I don’t know, sir, we just found him here.

STEVENS:                             We need to call the authorities, get this sorted. We don’t need a dead man, whoever he is, at the entrance to Dublin Zoo. Not this weekend of all times.

ÁINE:                                     I can send a telegraph from the office, sir?

STEVENS:                             Yes,andI can get the..

SEÁN:                                    Wait. Sir? I’vebeen looking at the body here and, well, I don’t know, it’s just…(pause)

STEVENS:                             Just what?

SEÁN:                                    Well, it’s just… I’m no doctor but Ive been looking at all these scratches, the cuts, the torn clothes. It kind of looks like he’s been attacked…

STEVENS:                             What are you getting at, Seán?

SEÁN:                                    He’s torn to pieces, sir. It looks like he’s been attacked by an animal, maybe a tiger or something?

ÁINE:                                     Poor man.

STEVENS:                             (dawning realisation) Oh, Jesus, no, you could be right! But we’re outside the zoo gates. You locked up, Seán, you checked with the other zookeepers, you did the final rounds…. You did do the…

SEÁN:                                    Yes! Sir, I checked everything, the tigers are all in their cages! I’m positive!

STEVENS:                             Are you!? Jesus Christ, Seán, if we have a man mauled by a tiger, a tiger whose whereabouts we have no idea…

SEÁN:                                    But, sir, you know our tigers as well as I do. They wouldn’t do this, would they?

STEVENS:                             (Angry) Check!

SEÁN:                                    What?

STEVENS:                             CHECK. CHECK THE CAGES! Make sure all the tigers are there. And any of the other dangerous animals. Áine, go with him, I’ll go round from this side (pause).

                                                NOW!

SEÁN:                                  Yes, sir!

ÁINE:                                     Yes, sir!

STEVENS:                             No, no, no, this can’t be happening….

                                                [FX: Footsteps on snow, fading]

SCENE 5

                                            [FX: Applause. Large hall]

RYAN:                                   Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to the Rotunda. My name is Dr Douglas Ryan, and it is with the utmost pleasure that I introduce our esteemed speaker, Professor Cesare Lombroso: doctor, linguist, man of letters, Professor of Forensic Medicine and, most recently, Professor of Psychiatry at the University of Torino, in Italy.

                                                A pioneer in the field of criminology and the author of a hugely important study of Criminal Man.

                                                Now, as some of you may be aware, Professor Lombroso will address the Royal Zoological Society tomorrow, at a gathering in in Dublin Zoo. This evening, however, it is his wish to speak to a more general public, about his vital work on the criminal man.

                                                How do we recognise the born criminal? How do we check his pervasiveness in our society? What can we do to reduce crime in a city like Dublin? A problem, I am confident you will agree, in desperate need of a solution.

                                                Professor Lombroso…

                                            [FX: Applause – fades under Frances & Margaret]

FRANCES:                            This is quite the turnout, Margaret, isn’t it?

MARGARET:                       I know! It’s so hot in here, I’m passing out in this outfit.

                                                [FX: Applause fades up and out. Lombroso approaches stage]

LOMBROSO:                      Dr Ryan. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you (Clears throat)

Ladies and gentlemen, everyone in this room has first-hand experience of crime in its many guises – you’ve had something stolen, perhaps, or been a victim of fraud or blackmail, assault, or abuse; perhaps someone you know is a lawyer or a police officer, works in a prison or, indeed, has been to prison themselves.

Crime is, alas, part of all our lives. And we all have strong opinions on the matter – on how to reduce it, how to police it, how to deal with criminals.

And yet amongst all these opinions is shockingly little science. Crime is all around us, and yet it is so rarely studied in any systematic fashion. Where are the statistics, the facts, the experimental data? And where, above all, is the focus on the criminal himself?

Judges are wont to completely ignore the criminal and focus on the crime. And yet we know that personal and social circumstances dictate crime. Not only this, but we know there are traits and anomalies that mark out the criminal.

Criminals – not just crimes – must be closely studied. My work in recent years has carefully categorised the cultural, physical, and psychological traits of the criminal in order to bring a much clearer picture to this area, to the field of what I believe it best termed: criminology.  

This is what I wish to address in my talk here today, ladies and gentlemen.

Who is the criminal man (and, to a lesser degree, the criminal woman)? What does he look like? How does he act? And how should he be treated – not just in terms of incarceration, but also rehabilitation…

[Lombroso fades down]

MARGARET:                       (hushed) Oh,he’s not a bad speaker.          

FRANCES:                            See?I told you it would be an interesting talk.

MARGARET:                       How much of his work have you read anyway?

FRANCES:                            There’s not much in English yet, but I read a French translation of some of it…

MAN 1:                                (a bit annoyed, trying to listen)Ladies, do you mind…

MARGARET:                       Oh, sorry

FRANCES:                            Terribly sorry         

                                            [Lombroso fades up]

LOMBROSO:                      …and indeed I will discuss some of the advantages of your own, Irish system of incarceration. This system commendably draws on criminal psychology to allow prisoners move through a series of stages and rewards, starting from a period of isolation with nothing but ragged clothes, a meagre vegetarian diet, and mundane tasks to complete. From here, the prisoner move upwards to….

[Lombroso fades down]

MARGARET:                       Well, well…!

FRANCES:                            Don’t even start…

MARGARET:                       What? This is science, Frances. Vegetarianism is a criminal punishment. I told you!

FRANCES:                            I knew you’d pick up on that!

MARGARET:                       (joking) It’s not me saying this, this is the renowned Professor of Criminology!

FRANCES:                            (light hearted) Yes, well, as I’ve said before, vegetarianism is a bold statement of…

MAN 1:                                (more annoyed)Ladies, please, I am trying to listen to the Professor

MARGARET:                       Oh, yes, yes, sorry!

FRANCES:                            Of course, pardon me

                                            [Lombroso fades up]

LOMBROSO                       …which are marked in a number of ways, as we’ll see.

                                                Criminals, especially forgers, have larger volume heads than the insane, but never, on average, as large as the healthy man. They will more frequently have dark eyes and thick, black hair.

                                                Thieves, in particular, are notable for their misshapen noses and bushy eyebrows. And in nearly all criminals one will note large ears and protruding chins….

[Lombroso fades down]

MARGARET:                       Uh oh!

FRANCES:                            What?

MARGARET:                       “Misshapen nose, bushy eyebrows, large ears…”.I think he’s describing your uncle Everett!

FRANCES:                            (supressing a laugh) Hey!

MARGARET:                       What does that make him – a forger, was it?

FRANCES:                            (mock appalled) Margaret!  

MAN 1:                                Ladies this is outrageous, I am trying to listen. Who are you here with… who is accompanying you?

MAN 2:                                Sir, I’m trying to listen, will you kindly talk to your companions after the speech.

MAN 1:                                (annoyed, raising his voice)What?!These are not my companions, I’m asking them to (getting flustered) it’s not me

MAN 2:                                Please, just keep quiet while the Professor is talking

MARGARET:                       Yes, sir, it’s quite distracting.

FRANCES:                            Yes, if you can please keep quiet.

MAN 1:                                What?! How…

LOMBROSO                        [Lombroso fades up]

                                                … and not only this, but a huge overreliance on incarceration. Where is the evidence that simply locking up all types of criminals is any sort of solution? Somany minor crimes are driven by poverty – these are not criminals by nature, simply desperate men driven to desperate acts. Imprisonment is not the answer.

                                                And it’s not justsocial factors leading to incarceration, but psychological ones too. The insane should be treated in hospitals and asylums, not prisons, and I would like to draw on my own pioneering work in several asylums in Italy to illustrate this.

                                                First, however, let me begin by taking stock of the state of crime here, in Ireland, and how it relates to my work with the criminal…

                                                [Lombroso fades out]

SCENE 6

                                            [FX: Street sounds, people milling around, leaving the auditorium]

                                            (walking as they talk)

FRANCES:                            So?

MARGARET                        So what?

FRANCES:                            So what did you think of the talk?

MARGARET:                       Fine, you were right, he’s quite compelling.I’m not so sure about this born criminal business but he does talk a lot of sense of about all those criminals basically locked up for being poor.

FRANCES:                            Yes, I liked what he said about poverty and social issues. He’s not one of those conservative, “lock them all up and throw away the key” types. And he’s persuasive, isn’t he? All that experience in the asylums in Italy, all those case studies.

MARGARET:                       He’s a great speaker alright

FRANCES:                            Do you think there might be anything in it for any of your weeklies?

MARGARET:                       I don’t know, it’s far too academic for the Dublin Weekly, and I’ve got that other piece still to write for the The Irish Cyclist anyway. Unless I can convince Cesare Lombroso to go on a little cycling jaunt around Dublin. What do you think?

FRANCES:                            Ha, yes! Speaking of cycling,my safety’s just here. Where’s yours?

                                                [FX: sound of bike, clank, etc].

                                                Ugh, I don’t know what I was thinking wearing this outfit, you’re far more sensible in yours.

MARGARET:                       I’m just over there. Come on, let’s go, it’s getting late. At least the roads aren’t so slippery now.

                                                [FX: Two men approaching, a bit drunk, talking]

MAN 1:                                (bit drunk, slightly slurred) Ha, look at them on the safety bicycles! You alright ladies!?

MAN 2:                                Don’t get your petticoats all caught up now, we wouldn’t want two beautiful ladies such as yourselves getting upset on a nice evening like this, would we?

FRANCES:                            (unimpressed) We’ll be fine, gentlemen.

MAN 1:                                Women on bicycles everywhere these days, it’s ridiculous. Have you no husbands to talk some sense into you?

MARGARET:                       Come on, Frances, let’s go.

MAN 2:                                Ah sure they’re all at it now. It’s all for show, they probably can’t even ride them properly.

FRANCES:                            Sir, I can confidently say we can ride these bicycles considerably better than you’ve ridden anything, or anyone, in your lifetime.

MARGARET:                       Frances! (laughing) Come on!

MAN 2:                                What’s that supposed to mean? Hey!

MAN 1:                                (indignant) How dare you say that to …. Hey! Come back here!

                                                (They are cycling now, so talking loudly across to each other)

MARGARET:                       Come on! Down this way (laughing). That was very unlike you, I can’t believe you said that!

FRANCES:                            That’s that second time this week I’ve had to put up with that nonsense. Can’t ride a bicycle! I cycled to Wicklow and back last weekend, Margaret. 50 miles.

MARGARET:                       AndI still think you are both crazy and incredibly impressive.

                                                (They continue to cycle)

                                                Oh, I meant to say, I’m looking after Elizabeth tomorrow. I said I’d bring her to the zoo. Would you like to come along? It’s Sunday – only a penny in! We could meet you at noon at the entrance? I know how you feel about the zoo but…

FRANCES:                            …no, it’s fine. A zoo is not a place for wild animals, but I know how much Elizabeth adores it and I really would love to see her, she’s getting so big!

MARGARET:                       Great, oh Elizabeth will be delighted, you know how much she looks up to you.

FRANCES:                            Alright then, we can meet at noon at the entrance. I won’t be able to stay all day though, I’ve got that meeting with my publisher and I need to do some preparation…

                                            [FADES OUT]

SCENE 7

                                            [FX: Zoo noises. Footsteps, running, talking]

STEVENS:                            Well, Áine. Anything?

ÁINE                                      All the animals all there, sir (panting). Tigers are fine, nothing suspicious. And we checked in on the wolves, orangutans, lions. Nothing. Seán’s doing a final loop around by the monkeys, he should be back in a minute.

STEVENS:                            Right, well that’s a start.

                                                Thank god, this looks like it’s nothing to do with us. Here’s Seán coming now, he can give us the final word and…wait… what’s he doing?

ÁINE:                                    Look! He’s seen something!

SEÁN:                                   (shouting to them from afar) Look! Over there!

ÁINE:                                    Yes, I think he has, he’s… oh yes, look! There’s someone running from the bushes over there! Do you see him? Sir, we can cut him off this way!

SEÁN:                                   (shouting in background) Hey! Stop! Get back here!

STEVENS:                            No wait, stop!Áine, it’s too dangerous, and he’s heading the other way now. Seán’s far closer and he’s never going to catch him. Dammit!

ÁINE:                                    Jaysus, he’s fast!

STEVENS:                            Look, he’s over the fence already. (Shouting) Sean! Sean! Come back! He’s gone!

ÁINE:                                    Do you think he was the murderer?

STEVENS:                            Well, what in God’s name was he doing if he wasn’t? (pause, thinking)

                                                Look, we’ve done all we could. Will you go to the office and telegram the police to come at once?

ÁINE:                                    Yes, sir

                                                (Seán returns)

SEÁN:                                   (Panting) That lad could run!

STEVENS:                            I saw!Straight up and over the fence. Like one of the bloody orangutans.

SEÁN:                                   I know! And – could you see from where you were? – was there a light or something, I don’t know if he was he carrying a small lamp or…?

STEVENS:                            Oh, I don’t know, nothing I could see from where I was. 

SEÁN:                                   Ah, I don’t know, it was hard to make out.

STEVENS:                            Listen, Seán. You’ve gone above and beyond – yourself and Áine. Nothing else you could have done. Áine’s contacting the police now.

                                                If you’ll wait until we talk to them, we can get this all sorted and get home to our beds. So much for a Saturday night by the fire. Thanks for all your help.

SEÁN:                                   Not at all, sir. I don’t think I’ll be sleeping much tonight. That poor man, what a way to die. Who do you think he is…or was?

STEVENS:                            I’ve no idea. All we know now is that it wasn’t a zoo animal that killed him but, my god, by the looks of that body it may as well have been.

SCENE 8

                                                [FX: Hotel bar, chatter, etc]

RYAN:                                   A toast, Professor, to a wonderful talk this evening.

                                                [FX: glasses clink]

LOMBROSO:                      Thank you, Doctor Ryan. I thought it went very well indeed. It has been wonderful tomeet so many of your colleagues. I’ll have to find time later for a discussion with Dr Dixon. We have a mutual friend in Paris, and I have been following his recent zoological work with great interest. The craniological measurements of criminals and apes have fascinating parallels.

RYAN:                                   Indeed. But we’ll have plenty of time to discuss all of this tomorrow after your address to the Zoological Society. For now, let’s have a drink! Another glass of wine?

LOMBROSO:                      No, thank you, I’m….eh….

RYAN:                                   After such a fine talk? A celebratory night like this? Surely, you’ll have a glass of wine?

LOMBROSO:                      No,it’s (leaning in). Dr Ryan, I’m afraid it’s, well, not the drinking, so much as the drink. This wine is, if I’m honest, it’s undrinkable.

RYAN:                                   Oh, I…

LOMBROSO:                      Now, I have a very fine 1886 Chianti Classico in my suitcase in the lobby. I never travel without a few bottles of excellent wine. One can’t be too careful. Perhaps I’ll fetch it and you might join me?

RYAN:                                   (laughing)Absolutely!  

LOMBROSO:                      Ottimo! I think my suitcase is still in the lobby, give me just a moment…

                                                [FX: Door opens and closes and bar sounds fade into a quieter hotel lobby]

LOMBROSO:                      Excuse me, is my luggage still here or has it been brought up to my room? I need to…

BEATRICE:                           (familiar tone) Professor Lombroso!

LOMBROSO:                      Oh, excuse me, one moment (confused)Madam? Do I… know you?

BEATRICE:                           I’m Ms Scott. Beatrice Scott? We corresponded. About your visit tonight to the…

LOMBROSO:                       (cutting her off, moving closer to her) Ma che cosa…. What are you doing here? And in person. I was very clear that I would make my own way to the house.

BEATRICE:                           Well,it can be difficult to get a cab around here at this time of night, Professor. I thought I’d collect you myself. My brother-in-law is a cab driver, he’s just outside.

LOMBROSO:                      Yes, but I can’t be seen with you right now. These are distinguished men of science; they won’t understand what we’re doing.

BEATRICE:                           Well, as “men of science”, they should be exactly the sort of people….

LOMBROSO:                      Yes, yes, of course, I know that. But it’s about appearances, Ms Scott, and my capacity here as a Professor of Criminology.

                                                Also,I really don’t understand why this all has to be quite so late at night.

BEATRICE:                           I know but, as I explained, Professor, in my particular case it seems to work best in the very early hours of the morning and who am I to….

LOMBROSO:                      (wants to get rid of her) Yes, yes. Can you wait outside with your brother, or whoever it is? I’ll be out as soon as I can. There are people here who would like to speak to me, I can’t just….leave.

BEATRICE:                           (Bit tetchy) Alright, alright. I was trying to do you a favour but I can see when I’m not wanted.

LOMBROSO:                      (softening) Ms Scott, please, I do appreciate the lift, and I have the utmost respect for your abilities, it’s just…

BEATRICE:                           …how this looks?

LOMBROSO:                      Precisely. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be out as soon as I can.

                                                [FX: Fade back from lobby to bar. Footsteps, door opens and bar sounds increase]

LOMBROSO:                      Now, Dr Ryan, where were we?

RYAN:                                   Oh, you couldn’t find the wine?

LOMBROSO:                      Excuse me?

RYAN:                                   The vino! This famous bottle of Chianti that you were getting?

LOMBROSO:                       Oh, of course, the wine! I….eh…. I had to…..yes, excuse me again and let me get that bottle after all.

                                                [FX: Bar sounds fade out]

SCENE 9

                                                [FX: Zoo sounds. Stevens, Seán, Áine all talking amongst themselves, general chatter]

ÁINE:                                    Look!

STEVENS:                            Hmm?

ÁINE:                                    Look, the fellows heading over here. That’s got to be the peelers. (pause) Where are their uniforms?

STEVENS:                            Oh, it must be the detectives. They got over from the castle fast!

                                                [FX: Footsteps on snow]

BURTON:                             Gentlemen, my name is Chief Inspector Augustus Burton. This is Detective Officer Bradley. We got word there has been a body found, is that correct?

STEVENS:                            Chief Inspector, thank you for coming so quickly, and in person. I’m Felix Stevens, the Superintendent of the Zoo.

BURTON:                             Good evening.

STEVENS:                            There’s been a terrible murder, truly awful. Ms O’Dwyer here found the body with Seán Doyle as they were leaving and we believe the suspect got away over there, the body, you see, is just beyond the bushes there and when Seán and…

BURTON:                             (Interrupting him) Sir, sir, you’ll need to start at the beginning. Where is the body?

STEVENS:                             Right, yes, sorry, of course. It’s just over here, if you want to follow…

                                                [FX: Footsteps as Stevens starting to walk]

BURTON:                             Wait, please, let’s wait just a moment. Now, Mr….?

STEVENS:                            Stevens

BURTON:                             Mr Stevens. Perhaps if Mr Stevens here could bring me over to the body. My colleague Detective Bradley here will talk to the rest of the party.

DET BRADLEY:                   Yes, please, let’s move in out of the cold here.

                                                [FX: Footsteps as talking of other group fades out]

STEVENS:                            Just up here. Now I know in your line of work you’ve probably seen a few things but this is…well, you’ll see.

BURTON:                             Ah yes. Let’s have a look…and… mother of god! He’s torn to shreds!

                                                (shaken) And…eh, and this is how you found him?

STEVENS:                            Yes. Ms O’Dwyer spotted his leg sticking out of the bushes as she and Seán were leaving and called me immediately.

BURTON:                             I see. And you called the police immediately?

STEVENS:                            Well, we had a thought that, you know, because of how he looks and where we are, with the zoo and everything…

BURTON:                             That he was attacked by a wild animal?

STEVENS:                            Well, yes. I’m not sure if you remember that poor boy mauled to death here back in ’91? A terrible accident, awful stuff.

                                                In any case, we immediately checked all the cages. You’ll be glad to know there are no missing wild animals. Everything is locked up safely in the zoo.

BURTON:                             Well, I think you’d be forgiven for thinking this was some class of wild animal attack. Look at the man! You are absolutely positive?

STEVENS:                            Yes, sir. We checked and re-checked all the cages, nothing is open, nothing tampered with or broken, all the most dangerous animals are in their cages. And I mean there’s only a handful that could even do something like this.               

BURTON:                             I see.

STEVENS:                            Besides, we know who did it.

BURTON:                             Sorry,what?!

STEVENS:                            Yes, that’s what I was trying to tell you earlier. When we were checking all the cages we saw a man sprint across the grass, over the way there, and scale the fence. Straight up it, fast as you like, not a bother.

BURTON:                             And what happened next?

STEVENS:                            Well, he got away. He was much too fast and he had a head start. Seán was closer, Ms O’Dwyer and I were over this side near the entrance, so we couldn’t see as much. You can talk to Seán about that anyway.

BURTON:                             I see.

STEVENS:                            Any idea who he is?

BURTON:                             Who?

STEVENS:                            The…dead man. You know, he’s very well dressed, with that jacket and hat and everything. He must be someone important.

BURTON:                             No, I’m afraid don’t know who the gentleman is.

                                                Well, I’ve seen enough for now.

                                                [FX: Footsteps, starting to walk back towards the others]

                                                And this man you saw running off…?

STEVENS:                            You’d be best off asking Seán, he got a better look at him, although it’s a dark enough night…

                                                [FX: Fade out and in to other conversation]

DET BRADLEY:                   …And from what you could see, Ms O’Dwyer, you’d agree with Mr Doyle? This man climbed the fence and was gone?

ÁINE:                                    Yes, sir, straight up and over the fence and was long gone by the time Seán could get anywhere close.

BURTON:                             Detective, you’ve got a statement from everyone?

DET BRADLEY:                   Yes, sir.

BURTON:                             Right, for now you are all free to go, but I’ll ask you all to report to Detective Bradley here, at Lower Castle Yard at 9 o’clock tomorrow morning. We’ll have questions for you then.

                                                Mr Stevens, I’ll need to talk to you first thing tomorrow morning. And I’ll need to send a telegram from your office now, we need more men here.

STEVENS:                            Yes, of course, the office is just here. I’ll lock up here and be right with you.

                                                [FX: Door opening and closing. Bradley and Burton are now indoors]

DET BRADLEY:                   What do you think, sir?       

BURTON:                             Jesus, Barnaby, it’s gruesome, the man’s torn to shreds, blood everywhere, half his neck’s gone. This Stevens fellow says it’s not one of their animals but we’ll need to follow that up, it looks like a lion attack or something. If it’s not… I don’t know.

DET BRADLEY:                   Could be the Fenians? You were there in ’82, weren’t you? A lowly detective officer like myself.

BURTON:                             Jesus, how could I forget.Another bloody Phoenix Park murder. But I don’t know about this, it doesn’t feel the same at all. I’ve heard nothing from any of the usual informants, and there’s not many who would do something like this right now.              

DET BRADLEY:                   Well, there’s this man they all saw dash out of the place?

BURTON:                             I don’t know. He’s a bit convenient, isn’t he? What if it was one of the lions or something? They got it back in the cage and then they all “saw” this murderer sprinting out of the place.

DET BRADLEY:                   Mmm,maybe.

BURTON:                             I mean they say he scaled that fence over there? That’s, what, 15 feet high?

DET BRADLEY:                   At least. A serious bit of climbing alright. But, well, we can talk to them tomorrow but they all seemed very genuine to me, there were no inconsistencies in their stories. I don’t know, sir, I believed them.

BURTON:                             Well, one thing’s for sure, if it was a man, it wasn’t robbery – the dead man’s wearing a silver fob watch – must be worth a fortune. Speaks to Stevens’ employees’ characters too that it’s still there.

DET BRADLEY:                   And anything in his pockets? A card or something to identify him?

BURTON:                             I didn’t need anything – and obviously do not mention this to Stevens or any of the others – but I know who it is.

DET BRADLEY:                   What? Who?!

BURTON:                             It’s Sebastian Redgrave.

DET BRADLEY:                   Redgrave? As in…

BURTON:                             Yes, as in the only son of Lord Redgrave. We have just found The Chief Secretary for Ireland’s son, brutally murdered, a few hundred yards from his house.

DET BRADLEY:                   Right. So this is going to be a long night then, I take it?

BURTON:                             It most certainly is, Detective.

SCENE 10

                                                [FX: Cab pulls up. Horse, gravel, cab sounds]

BEATRICE:                       Thanks for the lift, David, I appreciate it.

(to Lombroso) Now, here we are, Professor. Ms Carey’s house is just across the way here.

LOMBROSO:                  I appreciate the lift, Ms Scott. And apologies if I was a little…surprised earlier in the hotel.

BEATRICE:                       Please, don’t mention it. Now, everyone will be waiting for us.

LOMBROSO:                  Of course. After you.

[FX: Gate, gravel, knock on the door, opens to sounds of people chattering from inside]

CAREY:                             Beatrice, I didn’t know where you’d got to!

And Professor Lombroso, what a pleasure to finally meet you. I’m Kate Carey. Please, come inside.

LOMBROSO:                  Ms Carey, you are very kind.

CAREY:                             I believe we are ready to begin. My guests are all very anxious to converse with the dead.

END